Saturday, December 8, 2018
I’m awake and as unsettled as I've been from sleep as I can recall in some time. I woke with memories of traveling between dimensions. I imagined an existence in which anything is possible and anything we imagine becomes real. Perhaps the most frightening waking thought was existing without breathing as I awaken breathing. Did I experience sleep apnea or physical distress? I don't think so. Just waking stress from the undefined memory.
At once it was something akin to being part of the most disgusting sensory experience I could imagine, perhaps being in the intestines, yet experiencing the wonder of awareness of being part of everything without having to fear anything. All the way to experiencing death and consciously surviving somehow in a form that is beyond understanding at this moment. And understanding it in the moment when necessary. And the sharing happens when you wanted to. Only the fear of not sharing stops it.
Somehow, some of the characters from the Big Bang theory were there. A snip of an episode in which Raj comes to the door needing a hug and Sheldon closes the door on him saying he has company, only his company is two imaginary people playing three sided chess with him, the other two being himself in other dimensions (that last aspect may have been added by my mind). Part of me wonders if this was some sort of episode from the show that I was re-living in a dream. It is a very strange feeling, as I said, an unsettling feeling, but I work with it and somewhere in it I find the unbelievably most peaceful peace.
And I realize more fully than ever that I am ok with dying, consciously, as the fugue state clears and consciousness enters more. I realize that I hang on to life with thoughts of Jackson. Of how I do not want her to suffer the pain of loss described earlier. I hang on hoping she will find more of the peace and less of the fear before I leave this life.
Anyway, back to feeling of the the waking moments, part of me suddenly felt trapped in this body, in this physical life. The most peaceful peace of letting go of this corporeal body and physical dimension of existence to accept and actualize being part of everything was rekindling the fear, the uneasiness of the waking moments in consciousness and preventing sleep from returning. Bonding with someone in a dimension where lack of understanding and fear is so real may be what keeps the awareness, and therein the actualization, away. As if the bonding and acceptance f the lack of awareness closes the door on the awareness and therein physically closes the door on the actualization.
That is what keeps me here.
Is that what makes death so frightening?
Is it a trap?
This human condition.
Is it all on our minds?
Of course it is.
And I laugh, knowing, even as I fear something (nonexistence? Not finding my way back? Knowing nonexistence? Is that possible? Has my mind closed again? Perhaps, but what I can identify is the fear is the pain of loss for those left behind. Because they don’t understand. And I can find no words), I use fear t excite and motivate me to move forward to learn to move past it).
The words are here. Just as having the energy to exercise last night was there. Everything exists all the time. The difference is simply acknowledging it. Opening the mind to the awareness of it. Allowing my mind to believe in it. Using the mind to create it. Actualize it in the physical actions we choose. What is is what we think. And we create our feelings from these things. So why create fear?
It gets stranger from there.
Somewhere in the story, or the dream, or the experience I had in my sleep traveling through multiple dimensions, was is the fear of the reality of war. End of death. Death.
Is there the end?
Only if we want it to be?
Somehow the war concept was in the background. That paranoia of loss of control, loss of freedom, where and when other people are in charge and and move the rest of us around like pawn pieces on a three-dimensional chess board. Even though they might not have any more clue when we do. They have more power in this physical reality which provides the illusion of knowing more. Because they have more control. Or at least the illusion of control. An illusion that can, through many forces, manifest itself in this physical dimension.
I recall hearing some discussion of the sorrow of losing all these people. All these people in a multi-dimensional (or inter-dimensional) ship. An egg shaped ship was traveling through multi-dimensional (or inter-dimensional) space. And now and then it manifested itself in what we today consider our reality, this three-dimensional space. And they were fine inside, but somehow they could not be reached by three-dimensional means (or beings) and once awake I was three-dimensional and among those who feared they were lost. Was I lost among them? No, I know better that they were find, but a drowning feeling still woke me. Because the fear in our minds prevented us from believing they could exist in what appeared to be, to us at least, egg-shaped semi-dimensional sealed ship in this physical dimension.
Physics beyond our comprehension.
I say us, but I was quite alone. Perhaps pert of the heart-pounding came from feeling so alone and wondering if that would be the feeling, loneliness, for the rest of existence.
The Big Bang Theory reference returned. I recall Sheldon, or someone quite like him, perhaps part of me, following a path into a corner that seemed to disappear into a smoother rounded surface at the bottom of the ship. A spiral downward into a that end point and a solid wall. And with exasperation, he wonders how it is possible. A cartoon episode of Simpsons in a Tron-like dimension and other animated simulations of multi and inter-dimensional theoretic space blended together in this memory. The wonder reached a relatively infinite excitement coming simply because where was the lack of understanding of the dimensions beyond the three we except is reality today. I recall something about 12 dimensional space.
What we have here, is a failure to communicate.
I woke around that moment.
Pondering the relevance and what I come away with from that experience, I realize that so much fear comes from lack of understanding. And lack of understanding so often, if not always, comes from a choice to not open the mind enough to understand. The mind can reach anywhere and make everything possible. Even the words that type to text changes. LOL. Grumble (that just happened). LOL. And the laughter might not make as much sense after I edit out the talk-to-text misunderstandings, but that's yet another sort of dimension (or at least meandering tangential potentially parenthetic distraction) we enter way too often, so let's not this time and not even think or say we did, m'ok?
To conquer death you only have to die.
That was one of the understandings that brought the most beautiful peace and will it most scary fear. But fear is that pain and suffering that comes from not understanding. And caring about those who do not understand. Empathizing with those trapped in lower awareness can be one of the greatest blunders those who have been aware ever make. Excepting bear beliefs but there isn’t and that could be painful or the most horrible thing imagine. Why did anyone ever create that?
God and the devil. These are the two polarities in this current limited scope of human understanding.
If I let go again, what if I don’t come back?
Eerie music returns (I didn't mention it, but of course there is always a soundtrack in my dreams, if it was a dream, and that is a tangent and blog entry all it's own that often leads to much more creativity and fun than this one as rhymes and song are ways I ride out the challenges fears and negative energy can present and that writing path almost always leads to wonder, excitement, positive resolutions, and the most peaceful peace and acceptance if not euphoric clarity).
Anyway, it is time to conclude this one. So I’m awake, speaking (and transposing) these words, because I want to record those last thoughts I recall from sleep, just in case I don’t come back. I want you to know that it is not just OK, it is the most beautiful peace.
Just stop empowering the fear. Just accept the love.
Wednesday, August 1, 2018
I refuse meds. I've learned to enjoy the merry-go-round in my head. Sometimes it's a kaleidoscope, Sometimes it's a starry night. In life, I've succeeded, I've failed, I continue. Hopelessly hopeful. Dreamer. I gave up living a normal life or finding a permanent relationship (no I haven't... shhhh... if someone understands they might stay and share the dream) and I'll work until I die because I give everything away. I live in the moment, swim through the loneliness, try not to drown, and challenge my brain to find fun and humor in everything cuz it's there. I'm too stubborn to stop believing in love. Never give up, never surrender. There are cartoons playing in my head all the time and life somehow fits in now and then. Writing (babbling) maintains my own version of sanity. Perhaps you'v noticed. Self-therapy. Creativity. Communication? I read my words and feel less alone. I'm inside and outside and keeping myself company. I take a lot of abuse along my way, smile, and continue on my way. Sometimes someone rides along on this journey through this world. Those are amazing, wonderful moments. This is my experience. Loving every minute of it, even as I wish I could share it more. Anybody understand? There's always hope.